What to do when your partner criticises your looks
Do you have a partner who criticises your looks?
Sadly, I hear a LOT from women who want to know how to deal with a partner who criticises their looks.
So, in this post, I’m sharing three strategies and perspectives to help if you have a critical partner.
Listen or read below:
Dealing with a body critical partner
If your partner criticises your looks, it’s a horrible situation to be in.
I’m not talking about the odd playful comment, but constant comments and criticisms that leave your body image and self-esteem on the floor.
I know how it feels, because I’ve been there, having spent four and a half years with a partner who criticised my looks.
I constantly felt I had to work on my appearance to live up to his standards. Nothing was good enough. I had a tubby tummy, hairs on my chin, and I wore the wrong clothes. The list was endless.
Thinking about it now still takes me to a dark place. A place where I felt the problem was me and my body. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t worthy enough to be with this man.
If you are in this situation, I empathise. But I want you to know that you are not the problem, and you don’t have to put up with a critical partner.
So, if your partner criticises your looks, I’ve got three strategies and perspectives that will help.
Know that you are not the problem
The moment I figured out the real reason my partner was criticising my looks, it was a light bulb moment.
Because I was so busy blaming myself for not being attractive, or sexy enough, I missed what was going on.
The problem wasn’t with me, it was him.
I realised that when a partner criticises your looks, it’s often a way for them to feel better about themselves.
My partner and I confided in each other the things we weren’t confident about. For me, it was my looks, having been bullied about my appearance from any early age (you can read my full story here).
It never occurred to me that my partner would use what I’d shared against me.
By picking on something that he knew would make me feel small, unattractive, and insignificant, he was able to feel better about himself.
If your partner criticises your looks, ask what is going on for them. Is it possible that they are trying to feel better about themselves by putting you down?
Or perhaps they are worried that you will leave them and use the criticism to keep you where you are? If you believe that nobody else will want you, you’re more likely to stay with them.
Take a stand
As soon as I realised what was behind the criticism, I called my partner out on it. I told him what I thought was behind his behaviour, and that I wasn’t prepared to put up with it anymore.
At first, he didn’t concede he was criticising me to feel better about himself. However, a few days later, following a period of reflection, he realised this was the case.
I don’t think he was consciously aware of what he was doing, but on a sub-conscious level, his mind was trying to protect him – doing what it could to improve his self-esteem.
Just pointing the behaviour out to your partner might be enough to put an end to it. Or at least it might open the door to a conversation about what is going on for them, and how you can support them.
If you want to put a stop to the criticism, you need to be firm about what you’d like to happen, and the consequences if it doesn’t.
For example, you might say, “I’m no longer prepared to listen to derogatory remarks about my appearance. If these persist I will (break-up with you/move out, etc.)”**
Re-examine your relationship
A loving relationship is based on love, respect, and acceptance. When your partner constantly puts you down, they are not being loving, respectful or accepting.
Even though I took a stand against my partner’s critical behaviour, I didn’t feel he fully accepted or loved me. I realised that I couldn’t trust him with my vulnerabilities, so I ended the relationship.
So, in examining your relationship, ask yourself if this relationship is what you really want. Does it make you feel safe and loved?
If your partner can address their critical behaviour, that’s great. If they can’t, or you feel too much damage has been done, it’s time to move on to someone who will treat you in the way you deserve to be treated – with love, respect, and acceptance.
And that’s exactly what I did. Today I’ve been married for nearly 15 years to a wonderful man who accepts me, warts and all!
So that’s it, three strategies to help you when your partner criticises your looks.
While it’s not possible to control how your partner behaves, you can control your own behaviour. So, decide what you will and won’t tolerate in your relationship, and take action.
**Please note that if you are subjected to put downs and criticisms that make you fear for your physical or emotional safety, please tell someone. Make sure you get the help you need. It is never acceptable to be subjected to emotional or physical abuse.
If you’re struggling with your body image and it’s affecting your relationship, career, or social life, I can help. On my coaching programme, The Body Confidence Journey, we look at all the things that could be sabotaging your relationship with your body, (including your relationship with your partner) and what you can do about them.
If you want to know if the programme is a good fit for you, simply answer a few questions to help me understand what you’re looking to achieve, and I’ll come to you with details of how I can help.
My significant other says he is joking but says I should dress different …that he doesn’t want people thinking he is with a dude…I’m so hurt.
I work on my mind body soul daily ….
Hey Rudifee
I’m sorry that you’re receiving these critical comments. This is about them, not you.
Keep doing the work you’re doing and focus on being YOU.
With love,
Judi
xoxo
Dear Judi, I have just made some notes to get myself ready to approach my partner who yesterday spoke about size of my breasts in negative way. And I have size 34DD… You are sooo right in your article!!! Thank you so much for your support, Judi!!! Words hurt so much, more and more, the longer I realize what my partner said to me…
Love, Olga from the Czech Republic
Hello Olga
I’m so glad this post was helpful to you and has prompted you to have a discussion with your partner.
Good luck, and please let me know how it went if you would like to.
All the best,
Judi
xoxo
my partner told me tonight that my naked body would scare people
Hello Jan
How did you feel when you partner said that to you? Was it meant to be hurtful?
I don’t think there is any excuse for comments designed to hurt.
I hope that you can use some to the tips that I share in the blog post to help you work through what your partner said.
You might also find this post useful: https://heartyourbody.co.uk/change-your-appearance-partner/
Judi
xoxo
Hello, My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 4 years now. I remember that when we first met we went to McDonalds and the first thing he said was “You don’t wax your hands”. I gave some reasons and was feeling so uncomfortable as it was our first meeting. Days passed by. Sometimes he asked me why don’t I do some other hairstyles. Then some others why don’t I dress up a bit different and sometimes why do I have a gap in my front teeth. I ignored all of that. I still genuinely loved my boyfriend, and I never complained about his looks. Now we are apart for educational purposes at a distance of 500 kms. Due to my father’s health issues I went to where my boyfriend lives as there are better medical facilities. Somehow I managed to take time to meet him for 3 hours in between and we were happy to see other. We went back to the same McDonalds and the first thing he said to me was “YOU DON’T WAX”. I was deeply hurt as my father was ill but I took time without telling my family who I was meeting. I couldn’t believe that this just happened to me again. Days passed by and now we video call each other. Many times I only keep hearing him saying I should workout and become more fit and attractive. Is it only me thinking negatively? I don’t know what I am supposed to think because we love each other a lot. But I personally feel bad when things come up like his. I fear when we meet again how it will be. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
Hello Daphne
Thank you for sharing your experiences.
I believe that in a loving, healthy relationship you accept each other as you are.
Your boyfriend’s comments clearly make you feel upset. Have you told him how you feel?
If the relationship doesn’t make you feel content and happy, it’s not really love.
I wish you all the best of luck. Trust your instincts. If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t.
You deserve to be loved for who you are.
Judi
xoxo
Hello
My boyfriend always tells me he wants me to add a little flesh, well it hurts in a way but deep down I wish I’m not too skinny considering the fact that my entire family members are chubby, I don’t know what to do
Hi Joy
Have you tried talking to him about the way his comments make you feel? That’s the first step – be honest about that and see how he responds.
You are the way you are, and he needs to accept that if he wants to be in a relationship with you.
Wishing you all the best,
Judi
My boyfriend especially more now than lately, has made small digs and insults about the way I look and the way I do things. About the way I smile, if I have pimples he will point them out, he will grab hold of my stomach and say ‘Chub chub’ recently he zoomed up on my stomach and sent me a video of it. I don’t weigh much I feel i am quite skinny so I don’t know why he does these things, also if I do something silly like miss a wrong turn whilst driving or not knowing how to do a math sum or spell a word he will call me ‘dumb dumb’ and say how stupid I am. I don’t know how to take it and I feel if I show emotion every time he will say I’m overreacting. It feels hurtful and I do consider myself to be a sensitive person which he knows I’m this way. I feel like crying when all I get is these constant insults from somebody I love he hardly says he loves me anymore or compliments me as much I just get these hurtful digs.
Hi Kayla
I can hear how hurtful you find your boyfriend’s comments. You are not being ‘over sensitive’. This is just a way of justifying his behaviour.
It isn’t okay for your boyfriend to make these comments all the time, especially if he knows how much they hurt.
His comments say more about HIM than they do about you. Perhaps he feels insecure and is making these comments to feel better about himself? Or he may fear that you will leave him and is trying to make you feel insecure so you will stay?
I hope that you’re able to have an adult conversation about his comments and get him to stop them.
Judi
xoxo
Hiya Judi. I’ve been married to my husband for 33 years now. We met as teenagers and have 3 boys. I’ve never had much confidence with my body since I’ve had my children. The past few times my husband has criticised me it made me feel so horrible. He puts me down when he can see I am upset, then he changes it around and says he’s only joking and that I look lovely, but I don’t believe him. He only does this when I am dressed up to go out with him, but sometimes I just don’t know what to do or say to him. He knows he is upsetting me so why does he do it because we are happy in are marriage?
Thank you for sharing your story Debra. I hate how many women tolerate this sort of unkindness from people who are supposed to love them. It’s never okay to say these kinds of things, no matter how long you’ve been married. I wonder if your husband is struggling with his own insecurities and takes it out on you? Perhaps it’s time to have a conversation with him and set some boundaries around the type of comments you will and won’t tolerate from him. Take care, Judi xo
Thank you so much for this website. I was feeling so down today. A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend said he didn’t like my boobs and that they were too big. I felt so sad after that. He is the first boyfriend I have been intimate with and now when I look in the mirror, I burst into tears. The sad thing is before that, I really liked my boobs.
You’re so welcome, Danni. I’m so sorry to hear that your boyfriend has been criticising your body. There is nothing wrong with your body – it’s him not you! If you liked your boobs before, there is no need to stop liking them just because of his mean comments. Judi xo